Friday, January 18, 2008

A UFO Tale

Early this morning I was awakened by a UFO: Unidentified Frightening Object (which was later identified as my alarm clock). I quickly jumped out of bed and headed out of the bedroom, but before I made it to the living room, I heard a UFO:

An Unidentified Farting Object (or Unidentified Flatulent Object if you’re a tad more sophisticated). Upon entering the living room, and seeing one of my boys and my dog, I had my suspicions as to the real identity of that particular UFO; there were no confessions, however, so the actual identity will remain a mystery. This was followed by a nasal UFO: Unidentified Fetid Object.

I sat on the couch to regain my wits, when I smelled a UFO: Unidentified Fragrant Object. This was much pleasanter than the Unidentified Fetid Object (which, hopefully, was just the byproduct of the Unidentified Farting Object, and not something more substantial, such as an Unidentified Fecal Object left by my as-yet-un-house-trained dog). But before I could rise to attempt identification of the Unidentified Fragrant Object, I was nearly bowled over by a UFO, an Unidentified Fast Object, which came from the stairs. It evidently tripped as it attempted to avoid me, and transformed into another UFO: Unidentified Falling Object. After the fall, it was quickly discovered to be my eldest son, who occasionally has issues with balance, probably due to rapid growth leading to unfamiliarity with the reduced air pressure in which he finds himself.

Anyway, I headed into the kitchen, where I observed another UFO: Unidentified Frying Object. My wife wasn’t feeling well, and my daughter, ever so loving and helpful, had offered to make breakfast. What she was making, I’m not sure; thus the UFO moniker. It looked something like this:

My trip into the kitchen had unfortunately produced another UFO, an Unidentified Flat Object, the flatness coming from my stepping on whatever it was the Unidentified Falling Object (now identified as my son) had dropped when he fell. I think it may have been some other Unidentified Fried Object of my daughter’s creation, but the world may never know (I’m not sure even chemical or subatomic analysis could reveal the mystery of whatever had been pulverized by my careless stepping).

The unfortunate event of creation of the UFO had a follow-on effect, the creation of a second UFO: the Unidentified Fused Object that was now, unfortunately, fused to the sole of my sock (I guess, then, it’s only a ½ UFO, since the sock is still identifiable; depending on whether you cut the “UFO” in half lengthwise or vertically, you’ll end up with either “iicn” (if cut horizontally; the “U” becomes two “i” characters, the top of the “F” could be mistaken for a “c” character, and the top of the “O” could be mistaken for an “n” character) or “UI” (assuming the vertical cut removed the “fingers” of the “F” and left only the vertical portion of it, which would resemble an “I” character). Not that that particularly matters much.

At any rate, I said “Good morning,” to my daughter and then left the kitchen, re-entering the living room, where I then observed another UFO: the Unidentified Feasting Object. As it turned to face me, I recognized my third child (second son) who’d emerged from his bedroom and was now heartily eating one of the Unidentified Fried Objects my daughter had created (don’t ask me how he managed to get into the kitchen, get the UFO, and get back into the living room without my having noticed him; I’m not really sure; maybe I was distracted by the Unidentified Fused/Flat Object of the previous two paragraphs).

I suggested that these boys should take care of the UFOs (Unidentified Filthy Objects) in their room, the majority of which are probably over-worn (and under-washed) clothes (Unidentified Fabric Objects) and broken toys (Unidentified Fun Objects), and maybe a sandwich or two (Unidentified Food Objects), although we try to keep them from eating in their room.

At last, I found myself once again sitting on the couch, reflecting on the morning’s UFOs. As I did so, I realized that I, myself, had my very own UFO: an Unidentified Far-away Object. Some of you may have the same. It’s called sanity. “But how can it be unidentified if you’ve already labeled it?” you might ask; I can only offer this observation: consider the definitions of “identify” as per the Merriam-Webster online dictionary:

transitive verb
1 a
: to cause to be or become identical b: to conceive as united (as in spirit, outlook, or principle) identified with conservation>
2 a
: to establish the identity of b: to determine the taxonomic position of (a biological specimen)

intransitive verb
1: to be or become the same
2: to practice psychological identification <identify with the hero of a novel>

I’d say that, until the sanity has reached its proper place in my mind, it technically remains unidentified. Thus the sanity, while it’s far from me, remains an Unidentified Far-away Object.

Hope you’ve enjoyed that… now go find a UFO of your own! (And if you haven't already, check out my UFO video in the next post.)

1 comment:

Ninfa said...

Wow... I don't know what to say other that... wow.