Friday, January 25, 2008

Snail Mail and Ostrich Attacks - the Animal Post

In case you hadn't seen this news article, the term "snail mail" is now more truthful than ever. I think the US postal service is a little better... sometimes it seems I receive things before they're even sent. Once I received a letter (ok, a billing statement) which had a postmark date earlier than the billing date on the inside of the envelope. Then again, the year I was in WPI in Worcester, MA, I had a letter from my then-girlfriend (ok, she's still my girlfriend, although now we're also married), from Birmingham, which took nearly a month to arrive (it was strange when I received subsequent letters, asking about the content of that one, before it arrived). When it did, I noticed that one postmark on the letter (it had more than one) was Denver, CO - now I know I'm not a geography major, but I'm pretty sure Denver isn't quite "on the way" from Birmingham, AL to Worcester, MA.

Speaking of snails, what did the snail say when it was riding on the back of a turtle? "Wheeeeee!" (That's not an original; I heard it from a cruise director, who offered other ones, like: "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.")

And since I'm in an animal mood today (or so it seems), here's a wikiHow link on Surviving an Ostrich Encounter. As a summary, here are some of the tips:
  • Hide in a thornbush - the ostrich won't be as senseless as to run into a thornbush; instead it'll sit there and laugh at the silly human.
  • Grab a long pole and hold it in front of you; they further go on to suggest that if you know ahead of time that you're going to be under ostrich attack, you should carry something with you, since you don't want to be trying to find something while the ostrich is bearing down on you ("Time out, Mr. Ostrich; I need to find a long, pointy, stout stick to keep you at bay"). They suggest a thorny acacia tree branch, just don't get something flimsy enough that the ostrich can break it.
  • Play dance floor (see the third article tip for elaboration on this point).
  • Ostriches, like young children, like shiny, man-made things. So don't wear jewelry, eyeglasses, or similar articles. Of course, if you're not wearing your glasses, I suppose your risk of ostrich encounter goes up since you can't see where you're going. If, like me, you have one of those heads that God has finally perfected and is removing all that hair that covers it up in order to show His handiwork to the world, you might want to wear a hat so it's not so shiny up there.
Anyway, just some tips to keep in mind in case you plan to encounter an ostrich. Have a great day!


Laudio said...

Dude, I just want to thank you for directing me to that information!

I have been struggling for some time on just how to deal with this exact situation, and these excellent insights have already proven to be be invaluable.

No longer will I suffer at the hands... err... beaks of malicious ostrii!


Laudio said...

I've always thought that "ostriches" sounded too much like "sandwiches," so I needed to come up with something better for the pural form in order to keep myself from getting the two confused.

Tony M said...

You're welcome! But it's their talons that do the real damage. Sorry I never got around to commenting on your current blog post - will do that after I install some new (ok, used) home appliances...

By the way, ostrich sandwiches might be good... I'm thinking TGIFriday's had ostrich burgers on the menu, and they weren't bad...